I didn't sleep well last night because I was up late racking my brain over how to address issues at home & school with my troubled son. He excels academically but his behavior has been a big problem. He's started seeing a counselor but progress is taking time. Then I worry about finances as I look over the budget. By the time I'm ready to close my eyes, my baby girl is ready for a late night snack. She's currently going through a growth spurt & is hungry about every 2 hours. Today, my head feels like it's spinning as I read through the vast web of information looking for clues for what I can do for my son & take care of the baby & hoping to just get her out of the house for a little activity & fresh air. I don't even feel like I'm thinking clearly in the fog of sleep deprivation & inside I am one step away from a breakdown in the midst of juggling it all while on the outside I'm keeping up the appearance that everything is great.
I'm fully focused on my kids right now & my own needs have been set aside completely since the birth of my baby girl 11 months ago. My 2 kids are my world & my mommy duties have caused my marriage to take a back seat. Maybe the one who has suffered the most is my partner. I don't even know because we never even take the time to ask, "How are you doing?" When he comes home from work, I expect him to immediately go into dad mode & help me with the kids & dinner. When was the last time we got to be husband & wife?
I am so overwhelmed at the moment that if the opportunity of free time presented itself, I would choose to be alone & take a hot bath, do yoga or sleep. And I feel guilty I wouldn't choose to spend time with my husband instead. I get the feeling both of us are waiting for the other to get that spark back with some surprise romance. At present it's difficult to get a date night, but there are still opportunities to spend time together. We only get 2 hours together from the time my husband comes home until I go to bed with the baby. He wants to step outside & decompress from his work day, but I crave adult conversation over dinner after only being around kids all day. Even if we are eating together, I'm in constant competition with the tv & iPhone. I've communicated my feelings, tried to make a family dinner rule only to be met with opposition & finally given up because I'm just too tired to fight anymore & I just want peace in the house.
So how do I be a better wife now that I'm a mother? Where do I look for other ways to put the intimacy back into our relationship while still being mindful of my husband's personal needs? When I'm up late at night worrying alone about the kids, maybe I need to open up & let him be present. Maybe it's something we should tackle together as husband & wife & as a team we can remember why we feel in love with each other in the first place because we want the other to be happy & we want our kids to be happy too. Maybe a little more communication would lead to more romance. It's worth a try.
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