#NIAW My Infertility Story

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, so I would like to take the time to share my infertility journey to speak up about this disease that affects 1 in 8 couples. The struggle is real & something many people don't talk openly about. This week is all about bringing infertility out of the shadows. Here's my story:

In March 2010, my son was 4 years old & still in preschool when we decided to try for baby number 2. Getting pregnant with our first born took no effort at all, so we assumed it would be just as easy the second time around. Less than a year in, I was a feeling really stressed out by trying & also suffering from extremely painful, heavy periods that frightened me & after seeing my OB, I followed advice to get back on the pill to find some relief & also decided to take a break from trying to conceive.

After some time, I realized how badly I still wanted a bigger family, so in August 2011 we jumped back on the baby making wagon. This time I had Internet research on my side & was armed with a thermometer & chart to track my basil body temperature each morning. I was determined to put my newfound knowledge to use & get knocked up as quick as possible so to not suffer from my raging visitor each month once I was stopped taking birth control.

1 year later, still not a hint of a positive test & I had seen 3 different OBs in hopes of finding the cause for my heavy periods only to be sent home with stronger Ibuprofen prescriptions & told I should go back on the pill. I felt as though these doctors were rolling their eyes at me as if I was the twentieth patient they'd seen that day complaining how their menstruation was the hardest & surely I was exaggerating & just experiencing the average period woes. They honestly made me start to think I must be crazy because they saw nothing wrong on ultrasound or pelvic exam so no further work up was necessary.

After researching another OB & waiting a long 2 months for the first available appointment, she said what I needed to fix my heavy periods was to get pregnant (duh!). She suggested using ovulation predictor kits to help with our timing & assured me there was little possibility something was wrong & the odds of getting pregnant was in our favor since we already had a child. She said only 80% of couples were successful the first year & the rest just needed a little more time. Her biggest advice was I needed to relax (ha!) & give it 6 more months before seeking a fertility specialist, especially since my insurance didn't cover that, but just in case, she gave me the name & number of a reproductive endocrinologist.

From my OB visit in Oct 2012, I set a goal that if I wasn't pregnant by the end of the year, I was going to call in the big guns & see a fertility specialist. Even with the aid of ovulation predictor kits, I could see our timing was right each month, but still no bun in the oven. By this point, trying to conceive had taken over my life. The emotional toll was intense. I found sanctuary in Fertility Friend forums were I could let it all out. All the pain & heartbreak that came from wanting another child so badly & the disbelief my body that worked perfectly to conceive & carry a baby before had since let me down. How could this happen? It was like a slap in the face because this wasn't supposed to happen to me. I met some amazing supportive women on those forums, many I am still in contact with today & they were my virtual shoulders to cry on when I felt like the rest of the world didn't understand what I was going through.

2012 came to an end as well as my patience to get pregnant. I wanted answers. I got up the courage & dialed the number my OB had given me for reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. G. My husband was nervous because he didn't want to spend a fortune to have a baby. I told him to relax. Surely it was nothing serious. We'll probably get a prescription for some pills that make me super fertile & that will be that. No big deal.

Early in January 2013, I had my initial consultation, blood work & an appointment for an HSG to see if my tubes were clear. It took only 2 visits for the cause of our fertility issues to be laid out in front of us, as well as the mystery behind my heavy periods. I had a giant polyp protruding into my uterine cavity which was so large, the ultrasound tech saw it before my HSG. That bastard was what was causing the heavy bleeding & was right there in plain site, yet 3 OBs had totally missed it & discounted my symptoms & dismissed them as nothing that needed to be taken seriously. But more bad news was to come. The HSG revealed both my tubes were blocked on the ends by my ovaries. Dr. G said it usually takes less than 1 round of dye to go through the tubes. He pushed 3 rounds & nada came out the other ends. In fact, the dye built up, flowed back out where it was going in & pushed the catheter out twice. That was it. My infertility diagnosis was endometrial polyp, left & right distal tubal occlusion & blood test results came back showing my AMH (ovarian reserve) was low for my age.

I took some time to grieve over my diagnosis & consider our options about what to do next. The polyp had to go & we needed to decide if we wanted to attempt to fix my tubes & try to conceive on our own & still may or may not be successful & need IVF, or if we wanted to leave my tubes alone & just do IVF. We had to carefully weigh the odds & costs & ultimately made the decision to go straight to IVF. It was still a gamble, but one we were willing to take. I knew in my heart I had to go for it & if all else failed, at least I would know I tried & I could better accept what would be.

That polyp was a beast. It took 2 surgeries to remove, but finally it was gone & in May 2013, I was starting my follicle stimulating meds for an IVF cycle. My cycle couldn't have gone more perfect. I breezed right through & got 21 eggs. My hubs has super sperm & we had an 80% fertilization rate which is incredible. Then the resulting embryos began to degrade leaving only 3 surviving by transfer day. 2 beautiful embryos I nicknamed Bubble & Bobble were transferred & the rest was out of our hands. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be. I got my period even before my pregnancy blood test date. We had the remaining embryo on ice, but decided to do another fresh cycle to have more embryos to transfer. Dr. G added human growth hormone injections along with my stimming meds this time in hopes of giving my egg quality & embryos a boost. I started acupuncture treatments, gave up coffee & took up meditation. I was throwing it all into this cycle. My second IVF cycle went pretty similar to my first. I got 20 eggs & another great fertilization rate thanks to hubs. This time 6 embryos made it to transfer day. We transferred 2 embryos with assisted hatching & this time 1 took & brought us our IVF miracle.

Our baby girl is 12 months old now & I couldn't imagine my life without her. The struggle, the expense, the wait was all worth it & I am so thankful I never gave up hope & was fortunate enough to have the means & support to have the bigger family I wanted. I know there are others out there struggling silently & battling the awful disease of infertility. I know there are many of those couples still waiting to start their families & my heart goes out to them. I know my story is different coming from someone who was already blessed with a child. The pain that comes from secondary infertility is very real & tears your heart in pieces, but I could never compare it to those who are still waiting for a child to call their own or those who suffered a pregnancy loss. What I can promise is I will continue to be an advocate for every single person out there with infertility & I will always be supportive & be a shoulder for those in the grips of an infertility battle. I hope that sharing my story brings light to this disease during National Infertility Awareness Week. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Motherhood had made me a terrible wife

I didn't sleep well last night because I was up late racking my brain over how to address issues at home & school with my troubled son. He excels academically but his behavior has been a big problem. He's started seeing a counselor but progress is taking time. Then I worry about finances as I look over the budget. By the time I'm ready to close my eyes, my baby girl is ready for a late night snack. She's currently going through a growth spurt & is hungry about every 2 hours. Today, my head feels like it's spinning as I read through the vast web of information looking for clues for what I can do for my son & take care of the baby & hoping to just get her out of the house for a little activity & fresh air. I don't even feel like I'm thinking clearly in the fog of sleep deprivation & inside I am one step away from a breakdown in the midst of juggling it all while on the outside I'm keeping up the appearance that everything is great.

I'm fully focused on my kids right now & my own needs have been set aside completely since the birth of my baby girl 11 months ago. My 2 kids are my world & my mommy duties have caused my marriage to take a back seat. Maybe the one who has suffered the most is my partner. I don't even know because we never even take the time to ask, "How are you doing?" When he comes home from work, I expect him to immediately go into dad mode & help me with the kids & dinner. When was the last time we got to be husband & wife?

I am so overwhelmed at the moment that if the opportunity of free time presented itself, I would choose to be alone & take a hot bath, do yoga or sleep. And I feel guilty I wouldn't choose to spend time with my husband instead. I get the feeling both of us are waiting for the other to get that spark back with some surprise romance. At present it's difficult to get a date night, but there are still opportunities to spend time together. We only get 2 hours together from the time my husband comes home until I go to bed with the baby. He wants to step outside & decompress from his work day, but I crave adult conversation over dinner after only being around kids all day. Even if we are eating together, I'm in constant competition with the tv & iPhone. I've communicated my feelings, tried to make a family dinner rule only to be met with opposition & finally given up because I'm just too tired to fight anymore & I just want peace in the house.

So how do I be a better wife now that I'm a mother? Where do I look for other ways to put the intimacy back into our relationship while still being mindful of my husband's personal needs? When I'm up late at night worrying alone about the kids, maybe I need to open up & let him be present. Maybe it's something we should tackle together as husband & wife & as a team we can remember why we feel in love with each other in the first place because we want the other to be happy & we want our kids to be happy too. Maybe a little more communication would lead to more romance. It's worth a try.