Today's test:
Yesterday's test:
Testing out the HCG trigger shot and progression:
Jul 21, 2013
+ Feeling Positive +
I'm about half way through the dreaded two week wait for our second IVF cycle, and I'm feeling positive. I think that miracle, that sign I was looking for has appeared. Finally, just 24 days shy of hitting the two year mark trying to conceive our second child, I got the most beautiful lines on a home pregnancy test. I'm so happy things are looking promising, and I'm so relieved to get over this hurdle. Today, I can say I'm pregnant!! And fingers crossed a healthy pregnancy will continue to progress. My official blood test is on Thursday.
Today's test:
Yesterday's test:
Testing out the HCG trigger shot and progression:
Today's test:
Yesterday's test:
Testing out the HCG trigger shot and progression:
Jul 9, 2013
Honesty
I need something to believe in. A miracle, a sign, anything. I'm exhausted, beat down & starting to doubt my strength. I'm starting to think the universe is against me & if this is a test by God, I want to tell him to back off. There's been a lump in the back of my throat for weeks & it's a constant struggle to fight back the tears. I've wanted to give up so many times because I'm so tired of fighting. But I've always kept going hoping to reach my goal. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do I feel like I'm facing this demon alone? Why can't I catch a break? I'll say it & I don't care how selfish it sounds.. What about me? When is it my turn? Why do I have to sacrifice so much & put my body through countless procedures to do something that is part of human nature & comes easily to 9 out of 10 couples?
I have been through Hell & back the past two years trying to conceive & I haven't complained. I kept picking up the pieces & moving forward. Waiting & praying that the next month would be the one. Meanwhile, I watched my friends, family & coworkers have their first, second, third, forth kid. I couldn't be happier, but I admit, I wish it were me.
Tomorrow, I have my egg retrieval for my 2nd IVF cycle. I wish I could say this cycle has been easier than the first, but it hasn't. Life has been more stressful, work has been more demanding, my husband has been out of town or working nights more & the drugs have been a lot harder on me. I'm not posting my positive quote of the day on Facebook or being the model of finding hope in the face of adversity & looking for how I can grow as a person because of this crisis I'm facing. It's all BS anyway. It's fake & just something people do to make the good out of the bad. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but nothing snaps you back to reality & life dealing you a bad deck like a failed IVF cycle. Hey, if I'm searching for the good out of the bad in this scenario, at least I can say I'm now being honest about my feelings.
I know what you're going to say. What do I have to be ungrateful for? I have a wonderful husband & the greatest kid in the world. And yes, that true so let me stop you before I'm reminded of this fact for the millionth time. This may come as a shocker, but I can be thankful for what I already have & still want more. It's perfectly ok. Many people want & have more children & because it isn't a struggle for them, no one feeds them the same hurtful line of bull. This isn't the same as wanting a new car, new pair of shoes or any other material thing. This is a basic human urge that I'm being denied & nothing will ever make me want it less no matter how much I focus on what I already have. You can stuff your inspirational quotes like, "Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." where the sun doesn't shine, Oprah.
As you can see I'm a little stressed. My nerves are high about tomorrow & I'm pumped full of hormones. I've stayed pretty quiet about this IVF cycle up until now & I just need to vent. I'm scared out of my mind about it not working again when I have so much on the line finically & emotionally. I just want the trying phase to pass already. I've been waiting impatiently for two years. I want to experience life growing inside me again & look into the adoring eyes of my new born again & watch them grow up & experience life & a loving home. I want the sleepless night, endless diaper changes. I'm prepared for all of it. I want Cruz to be a big brother. I want him to experience sibling love & rivalry. I want this more than anything!! Sometimes the burden seems more than I can bear, but what choice do I have except to be strong & have faith?
I have been through Hell & back the past two years trying to conceive & I haven't complained. I kept picking up the pieces & moving forward. Waiting & praying that the next month would be the one. Meanwhile, I watched my friends, family & coworkers have their first, second, third, forth kid. I couldn't be happier, but I admit, I wish it were me.
Tomorrow, I have my egg retrieval for my 2nd IVF cycle. I wish I could say this cycle has been easier than the first, but it hasn't. Life has been more stressful, work has been more demanding, my husband has been out of town or working nights more & the drugs have been a lot harder on me. I'm not posting my positive quote of the day on Facebook or being the model of finding hope in the face of adversity & looking for how I can grow as a person because of this crisis I'm facing. It's all BS anyway. It's fake & just something people do to make the good out of the bad. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but nothing snaps you back to reality & life dealing you a bad deck like a failed IVF cycle. Hey, if I'm searching for the good out of the bad in this scenario, at least I can say I'm now being honest about my feelings.
I know what you're going to say. What do I have to be ungrateful for? I have a wonderful husband & the greatest kid in the world. And yes, that true so let me stop you before I'm reminded of this fact for the millionth time. This may come as a shocker, but I can be thankful for what I already have & still want more. It's perfectly ok. Many people want & have more children & because it isn't a struggle for them, no one feeds them the same hurtful line of bull. This isn't the same as wanting a new car, new pair of shoes or any other material thing. This is a basic human urge that I'm being denied & nothing will ever make me want it less no matter how much I focus on what I already have. You can stuff your inspirational quotes like, "Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." where the sun doesn't shine, Oprah.
As you can see I'm a little stressed. My nerves are high about tomorrow & I'm pumped full of hormones. I've stayed pretty quiet about this IVF cycle up until now & I just need to vent. I'm scared out of my mind about it not working again when I have so much on the line finically & emotionally. I just want the trying phase to pass already. I've been waiting impatiently for two years. I want to experience life growing inside me again & look into the adoring eyes of my new born again & watch them grow up & experience life & a loving home. I want the sleepless night, endless diaper changes. I'm prepared for all of it. I want Cruz to be a big brother. I want him to experience sibling love & rivalry. I want this more than anything!! Sometimes the burden seems more than I can bear, but what choice do I have except to be strong & have faith?
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