Negative

It's official, our first IVF cycle failed. I knew before I even went in for the blood pregnancy test. I have a lot of experience with negative tests over the past couple of years, but it doesn't really compare the heartbreak of a failed IVF cycle when you put all your hope, heart, and finances into it. There's nothing left to do except accept what is and pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and find the strength to move on.

So what's next? We have one embryo on ice but the doctor, my husband, and I are in agreement that another fresh cycle might be the best course of action considering the 2 that were transferred were both better quality and we would prefer to have more than one transferred at a time. The overall embryo quality wasn't very good last cycle. Out of twenty eggs retrieved, we got 2 grade A embryos and 1 grade B embryo on day 5, and the rest were grade D and too low quality to transfer or freeze. My doc tells me he didn't expect someone my age (33) whose only issue is blocked tubes to make so many grade D embryos. Medical professionals really don't like to sugar coat things, do they? So there lies the problem. Not enough good quality embryos to choose from, and to get better quality embryos, I need to make better quality eggs. My doctor is adding growth hormone to my medication protocol for the next cycle. He also said we should think about genetic testing on the embryos, but it comes with a high additional cost. Also, sperm has to injected directly into the eggs, which to me, seems like such a waste when we had such a great fertilization rate last time letting it happen without extra intervention. As well as, the embryos could be damaged during the cell extraction, so I worry about having even less viable embryos than last cycle. I think we'll decline the genetic testing and hope the change in medication protocol will be enough for a better chance at success. I mean, I have to have some good eggs left in me. Right? Lastly, my hubby and I have agreed this will be our final fresh IVF attempt. We are obviously very blessed to have Cruz and have the beautiful family we have now. I know in my heart I want a bigger family, but I have to be realistic about the finical burden and the effect continuing down this road might have on my relationships and my well being.

The past couple of days, I could have read 2 entire novels in the amount of time I've spent online researching what causes low quality embryos, growth hormone and IVF studies, what treatments clinics offer that might help improve embryo quality, and what can I do to boost success in a second IVF cycle. I will be doing acupuncture this time and continuing a healthy lifestyle with no alcohol or caffeine, and the most important thing I need to focus on is reducing stress. Period. Oh and stop Googling and obsessing over things that are out of my control. Instead, I need to immerse myself in distractions and stay busy doing things that make me feel good and keep thinking positive. Things like, play more board games as a family, go make burritos for the homeless, read some book, go to the beach, etc. Last cycle I was totally consumed by IVF. It was all I talked about. This time, I'm only setting aside 20 minutes a day for IVF related discussion and that's it. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but It sounds like a good plan. Hopefully, I can stick to it.