+ Feeling Positive +

I'm about half way through the dreaded two week wait for our second IVF cycle, and I'm feeling positive. I think that miracle, that sign I was looking for has appeared. Finally, just 24 days shy of hitting the two year mark trying to conceive our second child, I got the most beautiful lines on a home pregnancy test. I'm so happy things are looking promising, and I'm so relieved to get over this hurdle. Today, I can say I'm pregnant!! And fingers crossed a healthy pregnancy will continue to progress. My official blood test is on Thursday.

Today's test:

Yesterday's test:

Testing out the HCG trigger shot and progression:

Honesty

I need something to believe in. A miracle, a sign, anything. I'm exhausted, beat down & starting to doubt my strength. I'm starting to think the universe is against me & if this is a test by God, I want to tell him to back off. There's been a lump in the back of my throat for weeks & it's a constant struggle to fight back the tears. I've wanted to give up so many times because I'm so tired of fighting. But I've always kept going hoping to reach my goal. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do I feel like I'm facing this demon alone? Why can't I catch a break? I'll say it & I don't care how selfish it sounds.. What about me? When is it my turn? Why do I have to sacrifice so much & put my body through countless procedures to do something that is part of human nature & comes easily to 9 out of 10 couples?

I have been through Hell & back the past two years trying to conceive & I haven't complained. I kept picking up the pieces & moving forward. Waiting & praying that the next month would be the one. Meanwhile, I watched my friends, family & coworkers have their first, second, third, forth kid. I couldn't be happier, but I admit, I wish it were me.

Tomorrow, I have my egg retrieval for my 2nd IVF cycle. I wish I could say this cycle has been easier than the first, but it hasn't. Life has been more stressful, work has been more demanding, my husband has been out of town or working nights more & the drugs have been a lot harder on me. I'm not posting my positive quote of the day on Facebook or being the model of finding hope in the face of adversity & looking for how I can grow as a person because of this crisis I'm facing. It's all BS anyway. It's fake & just something people do to make the good out of the bad. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but nothing snaps you back to reality & life dealing you a bad deck like a failed IVF cycle. Hey, if I'm searching for the good out of the bad in this scenario, at least I can say I'm now being honest about my feelings.

I know what you're going to say. What do I have to be ungrateful for? I have a wonderful husband & the greatest kid in the world. And yes, that true so let me stop you before I'm reminded of this fact for the millionth time. This may come as a shocker, but I can be thankful for what I already have & still want more. It's perfectly ok. Many people want & have more children & because it isn't a struggle for them, no one feeds them the same hurtful line of bull. This isn't the same as wanting a new car, new pair of shoes or any other material thing. This is a basic human urge that I'm being denied & nothing will ever make me want it less no matter how much I focus on what I already have. You can stuff your inspirational quotes like, "Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." where the sun doesn't shine, Oprah.

As you can see I'm a little stressed. My nerves are high about tomorrow & I'm pumped full of hormones. I've stayed pretty quiet about this IVF cycle up until now & I just need to vent. I'm scared out of my mind about it not working again when I have so much on the line finically & emotionally. I just want the trying phase to pass already. I've been waiting impatiently for two years. I want to experience life growing inside me again & look into the adoring eyes of my new born again & watch them grow up & experience life & a loving home. I want the sleepless night, endless diaper changes. I'm prepared for all of it. I want Cruz to be a big brother. I want him to experience sibling love & rivalry. I want this more than anything!! Sometimes the burden seems more than I can bear, but what choice do I have except to be strong & have faith?

Negative

It's official, our first IVF cycle failed. I knew before I even went in for the blood pregnancy test. I have a lot of experience with negative tests over the past couple of years, but it doesn't really compare the heartbreak of a failed IVF cycle when you put all your hope, heart, and finances into it. There's nothing left to do except accept what is and pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and find the strength to move on.

So what's next? We have one embryo on ice but the doctor, my husband, and I are in agreement that another fresh cycle might be the best course of action considering the 2 that were transferred were both better quality and we would prefer to have more than one transferred at a time. The overall embryo quality wasn't very good last cycle. Out of twenty eggs retrieved, we got 2 grade A embryos and 1 grade B embryo on day 5, and the rest were grade D and too low quality to transfer or freeze. My doc tells me he didn't expect someone my age (33) whose only issue is blocked tubes to make so many grade D embryos. Medical professionals really don't like to sugar coat things, do they? So there lies the problem. Not enough good quality embryos to choose from, and to get better quality embryos, I need to make better quality eggs. My doctor is adding growth hormone to my medication protocol for the next cycle. He also said we should think about genetic testing on the embryos, but it comes with a high additional cost. Also, sperm has to injected directly into the eggs, which to me, seems like such a waste when we had such a great fertilization rate last time letting it happen without extra intervention. As well as, the embryos could be damaged during the cell extraction, so I worry about having even less viable embryos than last cycle. I think we'll decline the genetic testing and hope the change in medication protocol will be enough for a better chance at success. I mean, I have to have some good eggs left in me. Right? Lastly, my hubby and I have agreed this will be our final fresh IVF attempt. We are obviously very blessed to have Cruz and have the beautiful family we have now. I know in my heart I want a bigger family, but I have to be realistic about the finical burden and the effect continuing down this road might have on my relationships and my well being.

The past couple of days, I could have read 2 entire novels in the amount of time I've spent online researching what causes low quality embryos, growth hormone and IVF studies, what treatments clinics offer that might help improve embryo quality, and what can I do to boost success in a second IVF cycle. I will be doing acupuncture this time and continuing a healthy lifestyle with no alcohol or caffeine, and the most important thing I need to focus on is reducing stress. Period. Oh and stop Googling and obsessing over things that are out of my control. Instead, I need to immerse myself in distractions and stay busy doing things that make me feel good and keep thinking positive. Things like, play more board games as a family, go make burritos for the homeless, read some book, go to the beach, etc. Last cycle I was totally consumed by IVF. It was all I talked about. This time, I'm only setting aside 20 minutes a day for IVF related discussion and that's it. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but It sounds like a good plan. Hopefully, I can stick to it.

Bubble and Bobble

Well, I survived my first IVF cycle. I endured the daily injections and numerous blood tests and ultrasounds. Today, I'm laying on the couch enjoying my 48 hours of bed rest after yesterday's successful embryo transfer. Now I'm in the dreaded two week wait to see if we will be welcoming a new member to the family and promoting Cruz to big brother. Fingers crossed!!

Doctors and science have taken us as far as they can. The outcome is out of our hands. Now it's up to the universe, Mother Nature, God, and all we can do is pray and think positive while we wait.

We transferred 2 blastocysts that I nicknamed Bubble and Bobble.



Here's the final run down of what we got:

• 20 eggs retrieved, 17 fertilized after 24 hours
• 12 growing on day 3 (4 grade B, 8 grade C)
• 2 grade A blastocysts transferred on day 5
• 1 grade B leftover and frozen

I have learned throughout my IVF journey the importance of counting my blessings and celebrating each and every small victory and letting go of expectations. Although some days were harder to stay positive along the way.

I've been very grateful for the amazing support network I have. I can't thank everyone enough for the prayers, positive thoughts, and well wishes. My life is truly abundant in love and friendship. I hope to share good news with all of you soon.

Here We Go

It's hard to believe that shortly after my last blog post back in January my husband and I made the decision to do IVF, and it's taken until today to officially start my first IVF cycle. After 2 hysteroscopic surgeries, I am polyp free. I did about 21 days of birth control pills and started Lupron injections last week. Today, I start follicle stimulating meds along with a decreased dose of Lurpon, making it a total of 3 shots daily. I would be lying if I didn't say I'm freaking out on the inside at the thought of jabbing myself 3 times in a row in the stomach for the next 2 weeks. Honestly, today has been tough on a number of levels. Partially hormones, partially fear of the process and it working, and anger that I even have to do this in the first place to try to get pregnant.

I thought I would be more excited to finally be getting started, but it's just brought so many emotions to the surface now that the reality of it all has hit me, and with my husband away on business trips for most of the IVF cycle, it's a lot to take in on my own. Not that I want to back out or anything. I have no doubts, no regrets about doing this. I just kind of wish I was already complaining about morning sickness and all the other things I was expecting and was prepared for when we first started trying to conceive 21 months ago instead of complaining how I feel like a pin cushion and an egg factory for the next couple of weeks in hopes of eventually being able to complain about morning sickness. But this is my journey and I've accepted it. People prepare for pregnancy and a new baby; no one prepares for an infertility diagnosis. Infertility is more like getting hit by a truck, and I guess I still haven't 100% recovered.

Anyway, here we go. Fingers, toes, everything crossed for an IVF miracle.

Considering IVF

I've spent countless hours reading, researching, comparing numbers, odds, costs & treatments & even with the enormous price tag, our odds of conceiving another child are more favorable with IVF. This is the hardest decision I never thought we would have to make.

Under normal conditions a couple has about a 80% chance of conceiving in a year. With my tubes being so severely blocked, the odds are little to none. I was quoted $5600 for a hysteroscopy/laparoscopy to remove my polyp & investigate why my tubes are blocked & see if they can be opened at all. There's a chance the damage is beyond repair or any repairs made will only be temporary & the surgery itself could cause more scar tissue & damage. Even if the laparoscopy is successful, it barely increases our chance of conception, from my research a 20-30% chance at best because of where my tubes are blocked, as well as there is a high risk of ectopic pregnancy after tubal corrective surgery.

On the other hand, given I am under 35 & have no health conditions & all other tests for my husband & I are normal, I would be a great candidate for IVF. At least 50% if not more chance of success in just one cycle. But that comes at a price tag of $15,000.

I'm looking at ways to reduce the cost, but even so, it's a lot of money. I can tell my husband is having a hard time with spending such a large sum for a chance at a bigger family, although he is supportive & wants what's best for all of us. I too never thought we would be discussing assisted fertility treatments. It's still a shock to be told such an unfavorable diagnosis. But here we are.

I've searched my heart & I still deeply want another child & am willing to sacrifice to take a chance. I know this for sure: If I don't take a leap of faith, I will regret it the rest of my life. And I believe if we go for it & it fails, I will at least know we tried everything we could & it just wasn't meant to be & I will be able to accept it & move on. I have nothing to lose because no matter what I have a beautiful family & an abundance of love.

Infertilty Diagnosis

The new year marks 18 months trying to conceive. I finally gathered my strength to see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) & had an HSG done today to see if my Fallopian tubes were open. I'm completely heartbroken by the results. The RE said it usually takes less than 1 round of dye to go through the tubes. He pushed 3 rounds & couldn't get through my tubes. The catheter came out twice because he pushed the dye so hard, but it only puddled up & flowed back out. The RE also found a large polyp in my uterus. (I can't believe the 3 OBGYN's I've seen in the past 2 years at Kaiser missed this!!) The next steps are to schedule a Hysteroscopy to remove the polyp & Laparoscopy to see why my tubes are block & if it can be fixed. If my tubes can't be corrected, we'd have to do IVF which I was told we would have a high chance of success with as I'm otherwise healthy besides the tubal obstruction.

Right now I'm just in shock & grieving. I'm waiting to hear pricing & figure out the best route to go about getting the procedures done. My RE said he'd rather me get it done with him because both procedures could be done all at once & give me the best fertilty outcome, but it would cost around $7500 & there's a chance we'd still end up needing IVF on top of that. The polyp I can most likely get removed at Kaiser, but that means a longer wait time & having the procedures done separately. There's a lot to consider & I'm completely caught off guard. Part of me is relieved to have a diagnosis & know why I haven't conceived, but I never anticipated a diagnosis this bad. At least now I can really start moving forward to fill my heart's desire.

I am just truly grateful with all the tremendous support I've received through this difficult time & blessed to have the wonderful family I have including our 2 new fur babies, Fred & Ginger, 2 beautiful 10 year old cats we rescued last weekend. You all give me so much strength when times are tough. This whole experience has taught me a lot, the biggest being the power of love.