One Year and Two Months

One year and two months in trying to baby number two. I'm not even at the end of this cycle to know for sure, but I woke up this morning feeling hopeless and defeated as I marked my basal body temperature on my chart. Staring at my chart, it looks like another month of bad timing, but it's so hard to tell for sure from the data. Even after seven months charting, I'm no better at pinpointing ovulation than before, and charting ends up adding another level stress and obsession as I glare it searching for the answers as to why I am not holding my beautiful newborn in my arms when it seems so many of my friends on Facebook are posting pics of their precious babies smiling with delight as they gaze back at their loving mothers. I've never experienced so much happiness for my friends and deep pain in my heart at the same time.

Last month, when we reached the one year mark trying to conceive, I had another visit with a doctor to see why we had not succeeded in the basic primal duty of reproduction. I carefully researched the doctor directory prior to making the appointment, and when I met the doctor face to face, I was thrilled that my time spent searching and two month wait to get an appointment with her was not a wash. Unlike the last few doctors I had visited over past years, she really listened to me when I voiced my concerns, and she was compassionate and reassuring. Her warm smile and bedside manner were a great relief as she assured me everything was going to be ok, and only 80% of couples were successful after a year and the rest just needed a little more time. If we already had one child, the odds were in our favor and to just keep actively trying by charting, and she suggested using ovulation prediction kits as well. Her biggest advice for this patient: RELAX.

Following my doctor's advice, I stocked up on ovulation prediction sticks. Negative, negative, negative, and so on. Do these stupid things ever give a clear positive? Great, another thing to stress and obsess about. I was well into a full week of negative test results, when I discovered, I wasn't supposed to use ovulation prediction kits first thing in the morning which I had been. That means my test results must be discarded and I just wasted money as these kits are not cheap. Apparently, the best time of day to test is at 2:00 PM, and I am not about to throw these things in my purse and take them to work. I read online that anytime between noon and 8:00 PM is fine, so I decided it would be best if I just took the test first thing when I came home from work. However, with my busy home life, I found myself distracted and didn't realize I hadn't tested until after 8:30 PM and it still only resulted in negative results. At this point in my cycle, I'm probably just wasting more sticks. Surrendering, I put the rest away and have a plan of setting a reminder on my iPhone if I need to use them next cycle.

Don't worry, I didn't forget about my doctor's advice to relax. Is such a thing even possible for a mom? I have been diving deeper into Buddhist philosophies over the past year for a spiritual path toward less suffering and stress and more happiness in the present moment and a mind of love. I know I am getting better. I am seeing great results in myself, family and work life through being mindful and applying simple changes in how I react to outside forces. But I am still overcome by much anxiety and relaxation is hard to achieve when the pressure of daily life is at an all time high. I was recently promoted to department manager at work, but if I wish to receive a monetary increase to match the increase in responsibility, my department must produce results of greater capacity and quality. I can compare becoming manager to becoming a parent. Before I was one, I thought I could do it so much better than those before me, but when I became one, the true complexity became reality. I come home more stressed than ever, but now it's with a sense of purpose. I now feel more respect from my superiors and added value to company, which was what I longed for more than extra money after 4 years working there. But let's be real. When seeking a bigger family, every extra penny is going to count, so I have to buckle down and cease this opportunity to prove myself as a leader who can bring in more money for the company and worthy of more money in my pocket.

Ok, so if relaxing during the daily grind at the workplace is a struggle, maybe I can concentrate on finding a calm and serene setting when I am at home, and I have. I cherish my early mornings. I get up at 4:45 AM just to have little quiet time all to myself before the rest of the household rises. I pack lunches while boiling water for coffee, and then read inspirational material and have a moment for deep reflection of what I am grateful for as I sip from my steaming cup. Exercise, yoga, meditation as time allows before diving into my day. Without this time, I would be less mindful and less able to fight the negative emotions we can all too easily get sucked into throughout the day. After this short moment of morning peace, the rest of my day is chaotic and filled with routines and tasks that are mostly for the benefit of others in my life than for myself, but that's pretty much normal for any mother, and I'm constantly reminding myself to slow down every once in awhile and take notice of small moments of joy in the midst of my busy day. One my most pleasurable moments is seeing my son's smile and being engulfed in his warm hug when I pick him up for school after a long day at work. For a moment, all the struggles dissolve and I am truly in the present moment.

Once home in the evenings, time for relaxation is scarce until dinner time, and in a partnership of two full time working parents, we're lucky if dinner time happens before 7:30 PM. After cleaning up the dirty dishes and tucking our son in our bed (yes, our bed because we're just too tired to argue our point that it's time for him to sleep in his own room), my partner and I can finally spend time together as husband and wife instead of mom and dad. But by then, I find myself droopy eyed and ready to drift off to sleep, and most nights I do right there on the couch even though I deeply long for my husband's caress. The cruel hand of time has won as another day ends and another 4:45 AM wake up call is fast approaching. With a husband who travels for work a lot throughout the year and personalities with different approaches to daily schedules (I now an early riser and he still a night owl), it's no wonder we have been unsuccessful at catching that egg, and I begin to wonder if we ever will.

So here I am, overcome with feelings hopelessness and emotionally defeated. I try to remind myself, having another baby is not the answer to my happiness. With the challenges it bring, it's far from it and thinking about those challenges scares me because I don't know how we will make it work in our current situation, but people make due with far less and I know love will see us through just as it always has. I also know it's ok to fall victim to negative feelings from time to time and it's ok to allow myself to worry, and then to let it go and bring my focus back to the present and all the wonderful things I have in my life. My good health, loving family, devoted friends, and striving career, all of which are impermanent so I must cherish them every day knowing that the ups and downs will come and go. Just as my low mood will pass, and after writing this, I feel it already has.