To Baby or Not to Baby? That is the Question.

Over the past 6 months, my hubs and I have been discussing having a second baby. Ok, we've been more than discussing it. We've actually been trying, but with hectic work schedules and life getting in the way, we've been unsuccessful thus far.

When we made the decision to have another baby, everything made sense. We both have lots of love to give, good jobs, health insurance, and while finances would be tight, we were willing to sacrifice to have a bigger family. Yet as the months past and with no baby on board, I kept questioning myself. Can I really handle multiple children, especially with a husband who is frequently away on business trips and no family near by to help me out? What about holidays when daycare and school are both closed? My job has been pretty cool about letting me bring Cruz to work on occasion, but I can kiss that perk good-bye once I have the baby. I also kept thinking with Cruz starting kindergarten soon, we were going to be saving a bundle in child care expenses, and maybe, just maybe, we could finally have a real family vacation. If we have a baby, not only will any travel plans be put on hold, but we'll be paying for full time daycare again on top of Cruz's after school child care. Also, I know it might sound a little selfish, but I could really use new clothes and maybe a trip to the spa once our monthly expenses are lighter.

So here we are, after 6 months of being so sure we wanted a bigger family, my hubs and I are having "the baby talk" again. He has always wanted a large family, but he shares the same doubts and fears as me, and age is also a factor for him as he is 8 years older than me (I'm 30 and hubs is 38). We both agreed it's now or never. Besides my husband not wanting to be an "old man" by the time the kids are grown, Cruz is about to turn 5 and the age gap will be less than desirable for siblings to play together. I had no idea how difficult the decision to have another baby could be. We know without a doubt that we would be happy if it was just the three of us, and there's a lot of uncertainty adding another person into the mix. However, we know that if we really wanted another baby, we would love that child and we would find a way to make it work.

The Beginning of a New Journey

Cruz starts kindergarten on Monday! It's just now really sinking in, and I can't believe my baby will be starting elementary school. While it really won't change our routine much (since Cruz has been in daycare and preschool for some time), I still see this milestone as the start of a new journey in Cruz's life. Cruz is excited about starting big boy school, and I couldn't be more proud of him. I know he will do great!

Too Much Lunch

Cruz started a preschool summer program at the beginning of July and after seeing other kids with their shiny lunch boxes, he decided he must have a lunch box and take his lunch to school. Yesterday, I took him to the store and he picked out a brightly colored lunch box with sea creatures on it. I asked him what food he wanted to eat for lunch and we decided on peanut butter sandwich (cut in the shape of dinosaurs, of course), apple slices, and a cookie. Lunch items for the next day was chosen and Cruz had a lunch box, so all I had to do was make sure I packed him everything he needed before taking him to school the next day.

The next morning, I began packing Cruz's lunch box. This was a first for me. I had packed many lunches for myself and my husband, but this was for my son and I wanted it to be perfect and be special. I started with the peanut butter dinos. It was pretty simple. I have a cookie cutter that removes the crust and cuts the sandwich into two dinosaurs. When I looked down at those two lonely dinos, I was afraid my active boy might not be full from just that, so I turned that couple into a herd by making another sandwich.

Next, I moved onto the apple slices. I know Cruz doesn't like the peel, so I peeled the Pink Lady apple and then cut it into slices. Without even thinking, I put all the slices from the large apple into a tupper-wear, snapped on the lid, and put it into Cruz's lunch box with the 4 dinosaurs. Then I got the package of cookies from the pantry. I pride myself on reading labels and, especially when it comes to sweets, I pay attention to the recommended serving size. The package of cookies said 3 cookies were a serving, so I took 3 cookies and put them in a baggie and then inside the lunch box. After adding a juice box for his drink, I looked at the contents inside the lunch box and thought something is missing. He needed something from the dairy group, so I grabbed a squeezable yogurt from the freezer (you know, so it will be thawed and the perfect temperature by lunch time) and added it to my boy's lunch menu.

Cruz's lunch was in the lunch box. 4 peanut butter dinosaur sandwiches, a whole apple sliced up, 3 small cookies, a juice box, and a squeezable yogurt. And just to make Cruz's first Mommy-made school lunch extra special, I wrote a little note that said, "I love you!" I zipped up the lunch box pleased with myself and the grand lunch I packed for my favorite little man.

After work, I arrived at the preschool and asked how Cruz's lunch was and if he ate it all. The preschool teacher told me Cruz was the last one to finish eating lunch and she finally had to tell him he didn't have to eat it all, and she thought it was maybe a little too much lunch. I was slightly embarrassed and explained it was my first time packing him a lunch and maybe I got a little over excited. She agreed that I definitely got a little carried away.

Cruz only ate two dinos, and he even told me that I didn't need to give him all the apple slices. Of course he ate all 3 cookies. You live and you learn, and today I learned that I should pack Cruz's future lunches with just as much love and a little less food.

Please Remain Calm

As a mother, I feel like I'm not allowed to show any emotion and must always remain calm in the face of adversity. I am told that my son feeds off my emotions, and if I get angry, so will he. I am told if I cry, my son will think the worst is happening. And of course, if I'm happy, he will laugh along with me. I am a very emotional person, and it's usually pretty obviously how I'm feeling. So I ask you, dear readers, how does such an emotionally expressive woman keep her feelings at bay? Am I seriously not entitled to get mad or cry for the next several years for the sake of my child?

As a creative person, I embrace my feelings right then and there and let my thoughts flow freely. Yet as a mom, I must think about how I react, the expression on my face, the tone of my voice, and how I handle everything that comes at me because my boy is always watching and learning from what I do. It's as if everything I've been taught to be successful as an artist hinders me from being a calm and collective mother. Not to mention, motherhood has taken most my free time to express my emotions through a creative outlet.

So what do I do now when I'm riding the emotional roller coaster of life? I feel like everyone just wants me to put on a happy face and suck it up. Well, believe me when I say I try.

My Ever So Literal Son

My son is blossoming into such an intelligent little man. The brilliance in what he says surprises me so often. At the age of 4, he has become very literal. For example, when my husband comes home from work and says he needs a minute to relax before playing a game, Cruz wants to know exactly how many minutes and then proceeds to set a timer. And no matter what, he will hold his dad to whatever time he says. Maybe someday, Cruz will learn it's just a figure of speech and not an actual minute in time, but for now, it's so darn cute.

Yesterday, after taking Cruz to the doctor's office for a checkup and getting ice cream, I told Cruz we needed to hurry home because I had to meet with our landlord at our house at 5 o'clock. Cruz asked how much time we had to get there. I looked at the clock in my car and realized it was a quarter till and told him, "We only have 15 minutes, so we might not make it there by 5. And I'm not going to kill myself trying to get there in time."

Then Cruz says, "Yeah, because if you did that, you'd never get to meet with her." I started laughing at the pure honesty and innocence in his statement. He really brightens my day when he says stuff like that. At his age, he really sees the world in a different light, and he always amazes me.

Wanted: Dishwasher

Sometimes I think 90% of the stress in my household could be eliminated by having a dishwasher. I know this may come as a shock, but we live in a house that is not equipped with such an essential modern convenience. Instead, my husband and I live in the dark ages hand washing our dishes in a sink filled with hot water and soap, and if the dishes are not washed after every meal, the pile builds beyond that which can fit in the average drying rack. So much time wasted on this mindless chore, and an endless battle brews every day over who has to tackle the mountain dish by dish. Oh glorious dishwasher, how I miss you!