#NIAW My Infertility Story

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, so I would like to take the time to share my infertility journey to speak up about this disease that affects 1 in 8 couples. The struggle is real & something many people don't talk openly about. This week is all about bringing infertility out of the shadows. Here's my story:

In March 2010, my son was 4 years old & still in preschool when we decided to try for baby number 2. Getting pregnant with our first born took no effort at all, so we assumed it would be just as easy the second time around. Less than a year in, I was a feeling really stressed out by trying & also suffering from extremely painful, heavy periods that frightened me & after seeing my OB, I followed advice to get back on the pill to find some relief & also decided to take a break from trying to conceive.

After some time, I realized how badly I still wanted a bigger family, so in August 2011 we jumped back on the baby making wagon. This time I had Internet research on my side & was armed with a thermometer & chart to track my basil body temperature each morning. I was determined to put my newfound knowledge to use & get knocked up as quick as possible so to not suffer from my raging visitor each month once I was stopped taking birth control.

1 year later, still not a hint of a positive test & I had seen 3 different OBs in hopes of finding the cause for my heavy periods only to be sent home with stronger Ibuprofen prescriptions & told I should go back on the pill. I felt as though these doctors were rolling their eyes at me as if I was the twentieth patient they'd seen that day complaining how their menstruation was the hardest & surely I was exaggerating & just experiencing the average period woes. They honestly made me start to think I must be crazy because they saw nothing wrong on ultrasound or pelvic exam so no further work up was necessary.

After researching another OB & waiting a long 2 months for the first available appointment, she said what I needed to fix my heavy periods was to get pregnant (duh!). She suggested using ovulation predictor kits to help with our timing & assured me there was little possibility something was wrong & the odds of getting pregnant was in our favor since we already had a child. She said only 80% of couples were successful the first year & the rest just needed a little more time. Her biggest advice was I needed to relax (ha!) & give it 6 more months before seeking a fertility specialist, especially since my insurance didn't cover that, but just in case, she gave me the name & number of a reproductive endocrinologist.

From my OB visit in Oct 2012, I set a goal that if I wasn't pregnant by the end of the year, I was going to call in the big guns & see a fertility specialist. Even with the aid of ovulation predictor kits, I could see our timing was right each month, but still no bun in the oven. By this point, trying to conceive had taken over my life. The emotional toll was intense. I found sanctuary in Fertility Friend forums were I could let it all out. All the pain & heartbreak that came from wanting another child so badly & the disbelief my body that worked perfectly to conceive & carry a baby before had since let me down. How could this happen? It was like a slap in the face because this wasn't supposed to happen to me. I met some amazing supportive women on those forums, many I am still in contact with today & they were my virtual shoulders to cry on when I felt like the rest of the world didn't understand what I was going through.

2012 came to an end as well as my patience to get pregnant. I wanted answers. I got up the courage & dialed the number my OB had given me for reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. G. My husband was nervous because he didn't want to spend a fortune to have a baby. I told him to relax. Surely it was nothing serious. We'll probably get a prescription for some pills that make me super fertile & that will be that. No big deal.

Early in January 2013, I had my initial consultation, blood work & an appointment for an HSG to see if my tubes were clear. It took only 2 visits for the cause of our fertility issues to be laid out in front of us, as well as the mystery behind my heavy periods. I had a giant polyp protruding into my uterine cavity which was so large, the ultrasound tech saw it before my HSG. That bastard was what was causing the heavy bleeding & was right there in plain site, yet 3 OBs had totally missed it & discounted my symptoms & dismissed them as nothing that needed to be taken seriously. But more bad news was to come. The HSG revealed both my tubes were blocked on the ends by my ovaries. Dr. G said it usually takes less than 1 round of dye to go through the tubes. He pushed 3 rounds & nada came out the other ends. In fact, the dye built up, flowed back out where it was going in & pushed the catheter out twice. That was it. My infertility diagnosis was endometrial polyp, left & right distal tubal occlusion & blood test results came back showing my AMH (ovarian reserve) was low for my age.

I took some time to grieve over my diagnosis & consider our options about what to do next. The polyp had to go & we needed to decide if we wanted to attempt to fix my tubes & try to conceive on our own & still may or may not be successful & need IVF, or if we wanted to leave my tubes alone & just do IVF. We had to carefully weigh the odds & costs & ultimately made the decision to go straight to IVF. It was still a gamble, but one we were willing to take. I knew in my heart I had to go for it & if all else failed, at least I would know I tried & I could better accept what would be.

That polyp was a beast. It took 2 surgeries to remove, but finally it was gone & in May 2013, I was starting my follicle stimulating meds for an IVF cycle. My cycle couldn't have gone more perfect. I breezed right through & got 21 eggs. My hubs has super sperm & we had an 80% fertilization rate which is incredible. Then the resulting embryos began to degrade leaving only 3 surviving by transfer day. 2 beautiful embryos I nicknamed Bubble & Bobble were transferred & the rest was out of our hands. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be. I got my period even before my pregnancy blood test date. We had the remaining embryo on ice, but decided to do another fresh cycle to have more embryos to transfer. Dr. G added human growth hormone injections along with my stimming meds this time in hopes of giving my egg quality & embryos a boost. I started acupuncture treatments, gave up coffee & took up meditation. I was throwing it all into this cycle. My second IVF cycle went pretty similar to my first. I got 20 eggs & another great fertilization rate thanks to hubs. This time 6 embryos made it to transfer day. We transferred 2 embryos with assisted hatching & this time 1 took & brought us our IVF miracle.

Our baby girl is 12 months old now & I couldn't imagine my life without her. The struggle, the expense, the wait was all worth it & I am so thankful I never gave up hope & was fortunate enough to have the means & support to have the bigger family I wanted. I know there are others out there struggling silently & battling the awful disease of infertility. I know there are many of those couples still waiting to start their families & my heart goes out to them. I know my story is different coming from someone who was already blessed with a child. The pain that comes from secondary infertility is very real & tears your heart in pieces, but I could never compare it to those who are still waiting for a child to call their own or those who suffered a pregnancy loss. What I can promise is I will continue to be an advocate for every single person out there with infertility & I will always be supportive & be a shoulder for those in the grips of an infertility battle. I hope that sharing my story brings light to this disease during National Infertility Awareness Week. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Motherhood had made me a terrible wife

I didn't sleep well last night because I was up late racking my brain over how to address issues at home & school with my troubled son. He excels academically but his behavior has been a big problem. He's started seeing a counselor but progress is taking time. Then I worry about finances as I look over the budget. By the time I'm ready to close my eyes, my baby girl is ready for a late night snack. She's currently going through a growth spurt & is hungry about every 2 hours. Today, my head feels like it's spinning as I read through the vast web of information looking for clues for what I can do for my son & take care of the baby & hoping to just get her out of the house for a little activity & fresh air. I don't even feel like I'm thinking clearly in the fog of sleep deprivation & inside I am one step away from a breakdown in the midst of juggling it all while on the outside I'm keeping up the appearance that everything is great.

I'm fully focused on my kids right now & my own needs have been set aside completely since the birth of my baby girl 11 months ago. My 2 kids are my world & my mommy duties have caused my marriage to take a back seat. Maybe the one who has suffered the most is my partner. I don't even know because we never even take the time to ask, "How are you doing?" When he comes home from work, I expect him to immediately go into dad mode & help me with the kids & dinner. When was the last time we got to be husband & wife?

I am so overwhelmed at the moment that if the opportunity of free time presented itself, I would choose to be alone & take a hot bath, do yoga or sleep. And I feel guilty I wouldn't choose to spend time with my husband instead. I get the feeling both of us are waiting for the other to get that spark back with some surprise romance. At present it's difficult to get a date night, but there are still opportunities to spend time together. We only get 2 hours together from the time my husband comes home until I go to bed with the baby. He wants to step outside & decompress from his work day, but I crave adult conversation over dinner after only being around kids all day. Even if we are eating together, I'm in constant competition with the tv & iPhone. I've communicated my feelings, tried to make a family dinner rule only to be met with opposition & finally given up because I'm just too tired to fight anymore & I just want peace in the house.

So how do I be a better wife now that I'm a mother? Where do I look for other ways to put the intimacy back into our relationship while still being mindful of my husband's personal needs? When I'm up late at night worrying alone about the kids, maybe I need to open up & let him be present. Maybe it's something we should tackle together as husband & wife & as a team we can remember why we feel in love with each other in the first place because we want the other to be happy & we want our kids to be happy too. Maybe a little more communication would lead to more romance. It's worth a try.

Fast Forward To One Year Later

I can't believe it's been over a year since my last post. Wow, so much has changed & happened. Cruz just started 4th grade & I've been knee deep in cloth diapers & soaking up the baby giggles with our newest addition, Yvonne. I'll have to update my header image with my 5 month old bundle of joy, that is when I actually have a moment to spare & the iMac is available. It seems the moon & stars have to align for that to happen these days, but hugs & smiles from my children make the trade off worth while.

No point in going into depth about the past year. Nothing surprising. Normal pregnancy that went from celebration to hurry up & get this baby out of me!! A summer home with my son & a newborn that was way more challenging than I expected. Did you know a baby can't ride on a bike either in a baby seat or wagon behind a bike until they're 1 years old? I didn't. And I forgot babies can't be slathered in sunscreen until 6 months. That seriously shortened the list of outdoor summer activities, but we survived & made the best of it. We also traveled to visit family so they could meet Yvonne & I got to be that lady with a baby on an airplane. Now life is settling back into routine with school & me trying to squeeze baby's nap times in between PTA meetings & grocery shopping & considering a shower for myself a small victory, no wait, big victory.

I'll update more later. I'm still holding onto hope I'll get that shower today after 1 failed attempt at nap time so far. Fingers crossed!!

+ Feeling Positive +

I'm about half way through the dreaded two week wait for our second IVF cycle, and I'm feeling positive. I think that miracle, that sign I was looking for has appeared. Finally, just 24 days shy of hitting the two year mark trying to conceive our second child, I got the most beautiful lines on a home pregnancy test. I'm so happy things are looking promising, and I'm so relieved to get over this hurdle. Today, I can say I'm pregnant!! And fingers crossed a healthy pregnancy will continue to progress. My official blood test is on Thursday.

Today's test:

Yesterday's test:

Testing out the HCG trigger shot and progression:

Honesty

I need something to believe in. A miracle, a sign, anything. I'm exhausted, beat down & starting to doubt my strength. I'm starting to think the universe is against me & if this is a test by God, I want to tell him to back off. There's been a lump in the back of my throat for weeks & it's a constant struggle to fight back the tears. I've wanted to give up so many times because I'm so tired of fighting. But I've always kept going hoping to reach my goal. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do I feel like I'm facing this demon alone? Why can't I catch a break? I'll say it & I don't care how selfish it sounds.. What about me? When is it my turn? Why do I have to sacrifice so much & put my body through countless procedures to do something that is part of human nature & comes easily to 9 out of 10 couples?

I have been through Hell & back the past two years trying to conceive & I haven't complained. I kept picking up the pieces & moving forward. Waiting & praying that the next month would be the one. Meanwhile, I watched my friends, family & coworkers have their first, second, third, forth kid. I couldn't be happier, but I admit, I wish it were me.

Tomorrow, I have my egg retrieval for my 2nd IVF cycle. I wish I could say this cycle has been easier than the first, but it hasn't. Life has been more stressful, work has been more demanding, my husband has been out of town or working nights more & the drugs have been a lot harder on me. I'm not posting my positive quote of the day on Facebook or being the model of finding hope in the face of adversity & looking for how I can grow as a person because of this crisis I'm facing. It's all BS anyway. It's fake & just something people do to make the good out of the bad. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but nothing snaps you back to reality & life dealing you a bad deck like a failed IVF cycle. Hey, if I'm searching for the good out of the bad in this scenario, at least I can say I'm now being honest about my feelings.

I know what you're going to say. What do I have to be ungrateful for? I have a wonderful husband & the greatest kid in the world. And yes, that true so let me stop you before I'm reminded of this fact for the millionth time. This may come as a shocker, but I can be thankful for what I already have & still want more. It's perfectly ok. Many people want & have more children & because it isn't a struggle for them, no one feeds them the same hurtful line of bull. This isn't the same as wanting a new car, new pair of shoes or any other material thing. This is a basic human urge that I'm being denied & nothing will ever make me want it less no matter how much I focus on what I already have. You can stuff your inspirational quotes like, "Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." where the sun doesn't shine, Oprah.

As you can see I'm a little stressed. My nerves are high about tomorrow & I'm pumped full of hormones. I've stayed pretty quiet about this IVF cycle up until now & I just need to vent. I'm scared out of my mind about it not working again when I have so much on the line finically & emotionally. I just want the trying phase to pass already. I've been waiting impatiently for two years. I want to experience life growing inside me again & look into the adoring eyes of my new born again & watch them grow up & experience life & a loving home. I want the sleepless night, endless diaper changes. I'm prepared for all of it. I want Cruz to be a big brother. I want him to experience sibling love & rivalry. I want this more than anything!! Sometimes the burden seems more than I can bear, but what choice do I have except to be strong & have faith?

Negative

It's official, our first IVF cycle failed. I knew before I even went in for the blood pregnancy test. I have a lot of experience with negative tests over the past couple of years, but it doesn't really compare the heartbreak of a failed IVF cycle when you put all your hope, heart, and finances into it. There's nothing left to do except accept what is and pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and find the strength to move on.

So what's next? We have one embryo on ice but the doctor, my husband, and I are in agreement that another fresh cycle might be the best course of action considering the 2 that were transferred were both better quality and we would prefer to have more than one transferred at a time. The overall embryo quality wasn't very good last cycle. Out of twenty eggs retrieved, we got 2 grade A embryos and 1 grade B embryo on day 5, and the rest were grade D and too low quality to transfer or freeze. My doc tells me he didn't expect someone my age (33) whose only issue is blocked tubes to make so many grade D embryos. Medical professionals really don't like to sugar coat things, do they? So there lies the problem. Not enough good quality embryos to choose from, and to get better quality embryos, I need to make better quality eggs. My doctor is adding growth hormone to my medication protocol for the next cycle. He also said we should think about genetic testing on the embryos, but it comes with a high additional cost. Also, sperm has to injected directly into the eggs, which to me, seems like such a waste when we had such a great fertilization rate last time letting it happen without extra intervention. As well as, the embryos could be damaged during the cell extraction, so I worry about having even less viable embryos than last cycle. I think we'll decline the genetic testing and hope the change in medication protocol will be enough for a better chance at success. I mean, I have to have some good eggs left in me. Right? Lastly, my hubby and I have agreed this will be our final fresh IVF attempt. We are obviously very blessed to have Cruz and have the beautiful family we have now. I know in my heart I want a bigger family, but I have to be realistic about the finical burden and the effect continuing down this road might have on my relationships and my well being.

The past couple of days, I could have read 2 entire novels in the amount of time I've spent online researching what causes low quality embryos, growth hormone and IVF studies, what treatments clinics offer that might help improve embryo quality, and what can I do to boost success in a second IVF cycle. I will be doing acupuncture this time and continuing a healthy lifestyle with no alcohol or caffeine, and the most important thing I need to focus on is reducing stress. Period. Oh and stop Googling and obsessing over things that are out of my control. Instead, I need to immerse myself in distractions and stay busy doing things that make me feel good and keep thinking positive. Things like, play more board games as a family, go make burritos for the homeless, read some book, go to the beach, etc. Last cycle I was totally consumed by IVF. It was all I talked about. This time, I'm only setting aside 20 minutes a day for IVF related discussion and that's it. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but It sounds like a good plan. Hopefully, I can stick to it.

Bubble and Bobble

Well, I survived my first IVF cycle. I endured the daily injections and numerous blood tests and ultrasounds. Today, I'm laying on the couch enjoying my 48 hours of bed rest after yesterday's successful embryo transfer. Now I'm in the dreaded two week wait to see if we will be welcoming a new member to the family and promoting Cruz to big brother. Fingers crossed!!

Doctors and science have taken us as far as they can. The outcome is out of our hands. Now it's up to the universe, Mother Nature, God, and all we can do is pray and think positive while we wait.

We transferred 2 blastocysts that I nicknamed Bubble and Bobble.



Here's the final run down of what we got:

• 20 eggs retrieved, 17 fertilized after 24 hours
• 12 growing on day 3 (4 grade B, 8 grade C)
• 2 grade A blastocysts transferred on day 5
• 1 grade B leftover and frozen

I have learned throughout my IVF journey the importance of counting my blessings and celebrating each and every small victory and letting go of expectations. Although some days were harder to stay positive along the way.

I've been very grateful for the amazing support network I have. I can't thank everyone enough for the prayers, positive thoughts, and well wishes. My life is truly abundant in love and friendship. I hope to share good news with all of you soon.